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I’m suffering from a Mommy Hangover. And it’s not pretty. To wit:

I know I’ve got a Mommy Hangover when I want to do any one of the following;

• Scream into a pillow

• Go for a run—even if my knees hurt—and keep on running

• Howl at the moon—or Orion’s Belt or, when it’s a really bad MH, I’ll want to start howling at Vulpecula, a rather obscure constellation created by Hevelius

• Curl into the fetal position while singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” –and I happen to be afraid of rainbows!

Mommy Hangovers occur when motherhood starts to feel more like smotherhood.

It’s not a ‘hood any parent ought to be in, and it’s a good idea to have a road map of how to get out of there pretty darn fast. It also helps if you stay away altogether. But that’s easier said than done.

Moms are people too.

Still, you’d think I’d know better. (Actually, I think I should know better, which makes it all the worse, so I try not to feed that thought). At times, even when all the signs are there, I plough right on into the ‘hood.

Here are the signs to look for:

• Elevated basal body temperature

• An increased sensitivity to odors

• Abdominal bloating

• Increased heart-rate

• Excessive lip gloss application (my default feel-good action)

• Popping peanut butter cups with a coke chaser every 30 minutes

• Panting

Since many of these symptoms are the same for pregnancy you may be able to understand why I might get a little confused.

Luckily, there’s a test for that.

Yes, there is a cure for the Mommy Hangover.

Simply follow this 12 step program:

1. Go to a mirror and take a good hard look yourself. The person staring back at you is not you.

2. Immediately start to breathe, deeply, all the way in and all the way out, until there’s nothing left. Hold the out-breath for a count of three, breathe in, deeply. This is called deep breathing.

3. Repeat step 2

4. Repeat step 3

5. Repeat step 4

6. Repeat step 5

7. Repeat step 6

8. Repeat step 7

9. Repeat step 8

10. Go to your child(ren)

11. Look deeply into their eyes

12. Apologize

Simple. That’s it. Really. Anything else is pointless and futile as well as pointless. And futile.

Except… (okay, there is one more thing). Forgive yourself. It will probably happen again and next time, you’ll be prepared to get out of the (smother)’hood real fast.

Remember the 80/20 rule?