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IT’S NO SECRET AROUND HERE (and by ‘here‘ I mean this planet of over 6 BILLION people), that there is one thing that I am not and never will be….

To wit: I have set off the smoke detector exactly four seven EIGHT times this week.

Perhaps you’re rolling your eyes, thinking this is just another faux, self-deprecating rant, intended to garner sympathy or make me sound oh-so-mysterious (and maybe just a little bit sexy. A teeny tiny little bit?)

Well…

You’re not entirely wrong.

But at least I’m not a needy, co-dependent, attention-seeking narcissist.

That would be my dog. Remember him? The one who thinks he’s the boss of me?

Besides ‘a cook’ and ‘in charge of my dog’, the following is a list of THINGS I WILL NEVER BE IN THIS LIFETIME:

*I will never be President of the United States. But only because I’m not tall enough (see below).. and maybe because I wasn’t born in this country. Otherwise, I think I would be a shoe-in.

*I will never be a sky-diver. I’d rather get my tongue stuck on a frozen lamp post with my eyelids taped open while listening to an endless loop of Who Let the Dogs Out.

*I will never be a fortune-cookie writer. I love fortune cookies AND I love to write but try as I may I simply cannot write that small. Plus my fortune-telling skills aren’t that great. The best I can come up with is : you will breathe out after you breathe in.

*I will never be taller. I am stuck at 5’2. Still dealing with that. And not well I might add.

Here is a graph to illustrate my size in relation to most everything else.

(here is a detailed, close-up representation of a particular element not easily seen in the graph)

AND FINALLY….

*I will never be what Everybody or Anybody expects me to be. (I’m actually still working on this one so ‘never’ isn’t quite accurate–but I’m ‘staying the course’–doesn’t that sound like something a president would say?)

That’s why dinner at our house is pretty much going to continue looking like this:

EXCEPT….

…when I cave in and listen to Everybody and Anybody (“you should cook, all good mothers cook”)…it goes back to looking like this…

And so I remain… the Worst Mother, ever.

I can live with that.

Everybody and Anybody are just going to have to deal.