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All mothers compare themselves to other mothers. At least it seems that way to me. More than anything we want to pass (with flying colors) the ‘good mother’ Seal of Approval and have it ceremoniously bestowed upon us by our fellow moms. Our happiness, our very lives depend on it. In fact, winning the hearts of other moms is why we became mothers in the first place. Right? We need recognition.

We need awards.

When I got this award (maybe I dreamt the whole thing, I can’t be sure) I made copies of it and mailed it to everyone I know so that they could know what an amazing mom I was.

With the 600 copies I made for myself, I framed each one and put them on every wall in each room of the house. Some walls had multiple copies. They really did add to the decor of my house.

This was my evidence. My proof. Lawyers love evidence and proof and innocence and guilt and laws and stuff.

But I was afraid. Not just because the award told me to be afraid (read the fine print), which freaked me out, but what if I really couldn’t live up to it? What if the President Of Moms came to take it away?

And besides, I wanted all my dreams to come true. The award promised me that.

That is why I could never admit to anything like this:

Or this…

Some days the award loomed over me like a giant cloud of big black smokey toxic poop. (Now there’s a simile.)

Until…

I took the law into my own hands.

I decided to re-write the unwritten Laws of Motherhood and Everything Else (don’t try to look them up because they are not written anywhere… I checked). Only mine are actually written down. There are seven of them because it seems there are always seven laws (The Seven Habits, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, etc.) and the bible also makes a big fuss over the number seven; the seven heavens, the seven thrones, the seven seals, the seven churches. So, I’m going with…

The Seven Laws of ME!

1. I shall stop all whining and complaining. It makes me look like a gnu. Which would be fine if I were actually a gnu. (Could I have been a gnu in another lifetime?)

2. I shall laugh often, like, at least SEVEN times for SEVEN minutes for a total of 77 units of laughter per day. Pshaw–easy peasy. But not always.

3. I shall remember that there is no ‘grrrr’ in ‘NO‘. See number 1. So… I will just say no. Period. Explaining is optional. Growling and muttering is not.

4. I will be extra kind to at least one old person each day. That adds up to seven(!) each week. This is to let them know they still matter. This is very important to me. Otherwise, I shall always be kind, at the very least, to everybody and I will offer hobos a snack. This is almost three rules in one. No, it’s exactly two rules in one. Whatever–random acts of kindness have a butterfly effect. When I find myself not being kind I shall rewind and make it right. Or no TV for me.

5. Stop chasing those cute little bunnies. Or not. It doesn’t matter. I get to decide. Especially since 2011 is the Chinese Year of the Bunny.

6. Do some crazy sh!t. Renew renew renew! It’s not over until… it’s never over.

7. I shall set a good example. In fact, am I not doing this right now?

Those are my own personal seven laws. I will probably make up some new ones next Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday, which are the days I do my best thinking. I wrote this on a Thursday. Is it not brilliant?

So… what are The Laws of YOU?

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