I just heard a woman apologize because she thought it was “un-feminist” to be worrying about the fact that her house was a disaster and that the laundry was piled so high it was starting to stink.
She said she and her husband believed in “equality” and that neither insisted that the other do laundry. He said he didn’t do laundry because he worked all day. She felt bad about not doing laundry because she worked from home.They both “equally” disapproved of the worsening state of their house.
I felt a rant coming on and I couldn’t keep it in. And it wasn’t because of this woman… it was because of how all of us feel (at one time or another) like we’re not ever entitled to want what we want, no matter how crazy it may seem.
Here it is. Uncensored. (Because, it’s a rant.) 
I’m a feminist (not even sure if I like that word anymore–hence the descriptive “unf*ckwithable” to make it clear) and I don’t “do” housework because I hate it AND I still insist on having a clean house, no matter what. I’ve had a housekeeper since we started having babies because I never bought into the notion that because I was home I was also the one to clean and do the laundry. I hired cleaning help without blinking an eye (or asking if he approved, because IT WASN’T NEGOTIABLE, and I am extra unf*ckwithable when it comes to laundry). Just because I have a heartbeat doesn’t mean I become the default house cleaner, no matter “how hard he works” outside the home (which I have loved him for). These days I have a housekeeper than comes 3 days a week (we used to have a live-in housekeeper/nanny when the kids were small). Yes, we can afford it, but I promise you this: I would pay whatever we could afford to farm as much of this work out as possible–even if it’s just the laundry. I have had the honor of spending so much more time with my children and my husband (and my girlfriends) because of it. If all you can afford is to pack up all that laundry and take it to a cleaner, do that. And if anyone raises an eyebrow, give them the stink eye and send that laundry out, stat! To do otherwise is un-feminist. It’s also un-feminist to think you’re not supposed to worry about having a nice clean house. You get to want what you want, dear girlfriend. You get to hate your messy house AND have the guts to insist that someone else clean it. I’ll give up buying a fancy anything before I give up my clean house. Wanting a clean house is not unworthy of the feminist label if that’s how you choose to be a feminist. That’s the point of feminism: you get to make everything up, as long as “everything” is aligned with your deepest desires. If the state of your house is important to you, then let it be important to you. Without apology. This isn’t even about equality. This is all about you (except when it’s about me, wink), what you want, what you will tolerate, what you won’t apologize for, what you value, how you want to live your life, no matter who may think it’s not fair or unequal, or whether it’s worthy of feminist approval. A man gets to choose to work outside the home. But don’t make it mean that, because he chooses to work outside the home, you become the default cleaning lady. His choices don’t include deciding what you do. He doesn’t get to decide that he won’t clean the house and silently expect you to do it, no matter how hard he works. You, in fact, get to choose to stay home and eat celery sticks (if that’s what you really and truly want) AND NOT CLEAN THE HOUSE (although I suspect you want much more than that). We think we’re not supposed to want what we want. We think we can’t choose to stay home and care for our families and also decide what our responsibilities include. We think we have to prove our value by what we do, as measured against what someone else does. Whose rules are these? What are your rules? If you want a clean house, you can have one, without cleaning it yourself. Even if he thinks you should be the one to clean because he works outside the home and you don’t. He can think that way if he wants, but you don’t have to agree to it. See how this works? You get to choose whatever you want, even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. There is no shame in wanting what we want. The only real shame is when we don’t make it happen, no matter how big or small “it” is. Live your life according to your standards without apology. And without excuses.
OK. There. End of rant. Whew. Love you, mean it. xo
BTW: I belong to a group called “Unf*ckwithable Girlfriends” by Ash Ambirge from The Middle Finger Project. Check it out! It’s a paid group and it rocks!
P.S. I started a band. We’re called “Gutsy Glorious Girlfriends.” Want to JOIN?
And one more thing: I’m hosting a retreat just for coaches with fellow Master Certified Coach Jackie Gartman. Read all about it here. I really want you to come… we’ll be talking about all the things YOU WANT and how we’ll make them happen, in your business and your life.
Check it out HERE! And be sure to listen to the call with Jackie and me where we talk about how growing your coaching business brings up all your shiitakes and what to do about it.
